Barack Obama White House Press Releases BarackObamaWhitehouse.us Contact: Administrator@barackobamawhitehouse OBAMA SOLVES THE GULF OIL DISTER IN 27 May 2010 SPEECH:  "To My gullible subjects.  I want you to know that I've spent the last five weeks agonizing over the worst oil disaster in American history.  Don't think the potential destruction of half the American coastline doesn't weigh heavily on my mind.  I was just preoccupied spending the past five weeks playing basketball; golfing; blaming old white men for Americas problems; calling Tea Party People Seditious; throwing fancy banquets for Mexico's President and attacking as racist, an Arizona immigration bill that I've never read. I want you to know that my administration was in charge of the effort to stop the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico from the beginning.  I take full responsibility, although we all know it was, somehow the fault of George Bush. British Petroleum is operating at direction of my Administration, which is perhaps why nothing has worked so far. Some say this is like Hurricane Katrina and we all know who was President then.  My logic is simple: Katrina=Bush.  Bush drives a car.  Cars use gasoline.  Therefore, Oil Spill=Bush. Under my predecessor, there was a cozy and sometimes corrupt relationship between oil companies and regulators.  And while it is true that last year, my Department of Interior Minerals Inspection Service gave this oil drilling rig a Certificate of Safety Excellence and suspended inspections, we were just giving BP the benefit of the doubt in view of their campaign contributions. But don't worry, because I've appointed a commission to deflect blame away from my Administration, so I can still appear cool.  I'm so cool that while people's lives are on the verge of being destroyed through destruction of their environment, I'll be going on my second vacation since this crisis began. In the beginning, British Petroleum came up with several ideas for stopping the oil leak.  All have failed so far, but they are now attempting to plug the hole with assorted garbage.  They call it "Operation Top Kill."  I told them that they should drop a Basketball into the hole and call it "Operation Drop Shot," but they only laughed and explained that Basketballs float in water.  I'm always learning things as President. I got the Basketball idea from my daughter Malia.   When I woke up this morning and I'm shaving, Malia knocks on my bathroom door and she peeks in her head.  After asking me to pull up my underwear, she says, 'Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?' At first, I thought she was telling me to shut my mouth or remember to use toilet paper.  She does that a lot.  But when she explained, I told her that BP was attempting something like that, hopefully with IPhones and Internet connected laptops that are destroying the minds of Americans through too much information. I also ordered indefinite suspension of construction on any new oil drilling.  I'm sure you will all be willing to pay $7-10.00 per gallon gas in the future, because we all have to make sacrifices. Well, I'm off to Air Force One to burn a few thousand gallons of fuel on my way to vacation.  I hope you can see now how effective I've been in this crisis and how much I really care." PRESIDENT OBAMA ISSUES CLIMATE WARNING FROM RUSSIA 8 July 2009: “I’m glad I was in Europe meeting with Vladimir Putin and selling out America, Poland, Ukraine and all the other former Russian captive nations, because I got a chance to read an Al Gore interview with the London Daily Mail newspaper.  I didn’t know that they released Mr. Gore from his padded cell, but I’m sure they still have him on medication.   As you know, Al has been waging a financially profitable and selfless battle to save the world from himself.  That’s why he just compared natural climate change to fighting the Nazis during World War II.  Well, I’m proud to say that I join Mr. Gore in his quest and will propose new legislation when I return to America. My new bill will not only save the world from global warming but scientifically target the perpetrators.  First, we will order the Sun, hereafter referred to as ‘Adolf Hitler,’ to generate less heat during times of sunspot activity.  We will identify the most active volcanoes and give them names like ‘Hermann Georing, Heinrich Himmler, Adolph Eichmann’ and ‘George Bush.’ Fighting a war isn’t cheap, so I’m forced to levy a tax on all Americans still working.  This is temporary and will be rescinded just as soon as we achieve victory and place the perpetrators in Guantanamo.” BARACK OBAMA PRESS RELEASE ON CONGRESS PASSING CLIMATE BILL 27 June 2009:  “Boy, was it a smart move, having Michael Jackson knocked off so the media would be too preoccupied to see what my agents were pulling off in the House yesterday.  It even worked better than when I went to Hawaii and told doctors to pull my Grandmother’s plug on election day.   I wanted to use the Jackson album title ‘Off The Wall’ as the name of this bill but Pelosi thought the connection would be too obvious. This is a really historic moment.  For the first time in American history, my executive branch will be able to control every aspect of your life, from what you eat, to what you wear, to what you buy to how much energy you use to keep warm or cool.  And if any of you objects, you can wind up like Michael Jackson or my Grandmother. When the Senate signs off on this, America’s turn to the ‘Dark Side’ will be complete and I’ll be changing my name to ‘Darth Hussein Vader.’  How cool is that!  Wait until you see the new outfit given to me by my Progressive supporters in Hollywood. (Click Photo for Larger Image) I’ll be changing a few other things also.  For example, ‘The White House’ will be named ‘The Death Star.’  Members of my Department of Justice will simply be called ‘Storm Troopers.’  I’ve even figured out a way to get the Senate to vote for this bill by doing away with the term ‘Senators’ and replacing it with ‘System Lords.’  They’ll really like that. The transformation of America will be complete and my rich and influential supporters will get even richer.  Take Al Gore, for example.  He’s already made one hundred million dollars, huckstering bogus science and his company will make millions under this new law, trading in carbon credits.  As to all you Progressive White ‘little people,’ I’m sure you won’t mind picking up the tab for the privilege of having voted for America’s first Black President. WHITE HOUSE PRESS RELEASE. OBAMA SPEAKS TO AMERICA 21 May 2009: “I know you all hang on my every word, so I’ve taken the opportunity to come down from my mountain and speak with you in person. As every sane Progressive knows and others will be forced to accept, reducing dependency on gasoline and eliminating Carbon Dioxide CO2 emissions is far more important than stopping terrorism or getting you a job.  After all, if you’ve been murdered by a terrorist, you don’t pollute and if you’re out of work, you’ve probably been forced to sell your car. Since government can do anything and the American masses are mentally simple and incompetent, I’ll be supporting two projects that are for your own good, so get used to it: First, since it has been determined that the average American produces 1,500 pounds of Carbon Dioxide per year through breathing, we will be mandating their wearing of a CO2 meter.  These meters will be read by one million new, armed, Affirmative Action federal employees who have the right to either stop you on the streets or enter your home.  If you exhale more than your alloted amount of Carbon Dioxide through anxiety over not having a job, family illness, jogging, or excitement when watching a football game... you will receive an excess carbon production tax.  In the event of early death during the year, you or your family will receive a carbon credit.  In the interests of compassion, welfare recipients will never be taxed and won’t need to wear a meter.  After all, how much excess Carbon Dioxide can be produced when you’re just laying around doing nothing. An as yet unresolved problem involves Human Flatulence, which produces tremendous amounts of Methane.  This gas has been shown to be twenty times more destructive to the global environment than Carbon Dioxide.  Unfortunately, mandatory monitoring for taxation creates quality of life issues, particularly when it comes to public meter reading.  Further complicating matters, Vegetarians are the largest polluters, but also one of my core voting groups.  As such, each will receive an annual ‘Flatulence Activity Refund Tax’ credit, or FART. As for automobiles, I’ve just approved the design for short term and long term vehicles that will be used as the mainstay of American transportation.  At first, we will be concentrating on energy efficiency, so out of necessity, the new American means of transportation will be reduced in size.  If your children can’t fit, you might want to think of donating them for stem cell research and receiving additional carbon credits. (Click Photo for Larger View) This will be followed by production of what I call ‘The World Vehicle.’  Not only will it teach Americans that they are no more worthy, productive and competent than anyone else, but it will send a signal to the Third World that we share their enlightened political and economic views.”       Obama Reveals Plans for American Energy Efficiency & Reducing CO2 Emissions Through the Taxing of Breathing.  “Cap and Trade” Bill Passes.  Solves Gulf Oil Disaster all by Himself.       Click Photo for Larger Image FULL PRESS RELEASES Home Page / Obama’s Muslim Adventure / Gives Submissive Bow Job to Saudi King Obama Eliminates Terrorism  / Piracy on High Seas / Right Wing Militias / Peace & Love / / The American Economy / Community Sacrifice / Saving Energy & Planet / Supreme Court and the Law / / Obama’s Muslim Adventure Part Deux / Government Medical Care / Foreign Policy / / Remaking America / Racial Reconciliation / Text and Graphics Copyright: Michael G. 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