Barack Obama White House Press Releases BarackObamaWhitehouse.us Contact: Administrator@barackobamawhitehouse Home Page / Obama’s Muslim Adventure / Gives Submissive Bow Job to Saudi King Obama Eliminates Terrorism  / Piracy on High Seas / Right Wing Militias / Peace & Love / / The American Economy / Community Sacrifice / Saving Energy & Planet / Supreme Court and the Law / / Obama’s Muslim Adventure Part Deux / Government Medical Care / Foreign Policy / / Remaking America / Racial Reconciliation / FULL PRESS RELEASES Barack Obama Explains His Improving the American Economy THANKS TO ME, THE OBAMA, THE RECESSION HAS ENDED 7 August 2009: “I thought I’d take out time from ordering Service Employees Union and ACORN thugs to beat people up at Town Hall Meetings, and speak with you about the economy.  Beating up old people is fun, but there are times I have to address larger issues. During the month of July, only 247,000 people had been thrown out of work.  This may sound like a lot, but it’s less than in June.  And while some might say it’s a smaller amount because 15,000,000 people are already out of the work force and there are only so many people that can be thrown out of jobs, I take a more optimistic approach. It’s true that hundreds of thousands have run out of unemployment insurance and are no longer counted as “unemployed.”  But that’s just a statistical technicality.  We prefer to think of these people as being transferred from the “actively seeking work” column to the more positive, “I’m starving to death and loving every bit of it,” listing. Non-Progressive naysayers, might complain that when you add millions now working at menial part- time, rather than full-time jobs brings the true unemployment rate to 16.9%, but I think that it will bring families closer together.   Imaging the fun as dad spends newly found leisure time with his children, playing hide and seek in restaurant back alleys, rummaging through garbage cans for the remains of exotic food. Only I, The Obama, could not only rescue the American economy, but bring more togetherness to the American family.” PRESIDENT AND CHIEF ECONOMIC ADVISOR PROVE ECONOMIC UPTURN 21 July 2009: "We were at the brink of catastrophe at the beginning of the year, but we have walked a substantial distance back from the abyss," said Larry Summers this past Friday.  Given his irrefutable indicator of impending prosperity, your wise President said that he wholeheartedly agrees. Speaking at the Peterson Institute for International Economics in Washington, Mr. Summers provided this proof, by revealing that computer searches on Google for ‘Economic Depression,’ have gone back to normal levels.  Both Mr. Summers and your President deny reports that this is caused by millions of unemployed people pawning their computers to feed their families. WHITE HOUSE PRESS RELEASE ON TELEPROMPTER SUICIDE 13 July 2009: The White House wishes to clarify rumours being leaked by members of the right wing press that at the Eisenhower Executive Office Building this afternoon, one of President Obama’s Teleprompters committed suicide after displaying the message “I just can’t take displaying his crap any more.” (Click Photo to Right for Larger Image) While the event did occur and our President was able to continue, feigning rationality using his second Teleprompter, the White House Secret Service is holding “a conservative of interest,” as the possible saboteur.  The electrician being questioned is a returned white veteran and therefore, being investigated as a member of a white militia group according to definitions set forth by Homeland Security head, Janet Napolitano.  We will be assured of his guilt if the suspect is a practising Christian. President Obama was in the process of giving a speech on urban and metropolitan policy and the event occurred just as he began speaking about another trillion dollar stimulus plan to increase salaries, pensions and life long medical care to civil servants.  Two larger shatter resistant Teleprompters kept in Afghanistan, are being flown back to Washington for any future speeches. The President wants you to know that once his socialized medical plan is enacted, all Teleprompters will be eligible for free psychotherapy and replacement circuitry. BARACK OBAMA SAVES AND CREATES MILLIONS OF JOBS 8 June 2009:  “In case anyone unemployed still takes me seriously, I want you to know that since my return from wowing the Muslim world in Egypt two days ago, I’ve created or saved another twenty million jobs in America. Any of you still unemployed will just have to wait your turn, but I promise to create or save another thirty million jobs by July 4th.  Until you start working again, just repeat ‘It’s George Bush’s fault, It’s George Bush’s fault’ and you’ll feel better.  If that doesn’t work, I’ve hired some song writers to elevate your spirits so you won’t think about how badly I’m screwing things up.  It’s a nifty play on words to a whimsical song from the 1930’s.  I call it ‘Crappy Days are here again.’” BARACK OBAMA TALKS ABOUT AUTOS 1 Jun 2009: “Wow, I didn’t realize just how stupid you Americans really are, but never let a good situation go to waste.  General Motors and Chrysler have been mostly given to the heavily black, United Auto Workers Union as part of my Black Liberation Philosophy redistribution plans.  Now they can contribute another hundred million dollars to my future campaigns.  You little old retired white ladies who hold Bonds in these companies... well, your screwed, because we’re giving you zip on your investments.  Your sacrifices will help build my new America.  Besides, I’ve been told by my Science Tzar that dog food tastes great.  Before you get swelled heads over thinking that you own a portion of these companies, remember that the media is in my pocket and will say anything to make me look good.  In Marxist America, its my government elite using your taxpayer dollars for purchase, personal power and control over your lives, that’s in control.  Don’t think too hard.  We know what’s good for you.  You’ll like dog food.”   BARACK OBAMA SPEAKS TO AMERICA (Rio Rancho, New Mexico) 14 May 2009: “After going on a multi-Trillion Dollar spending spree, my advisor’s have suddenly informed me that what I’m doing is ‘unsustainable.’  I wish they had told me this before the money was spent, but they tell me there will be ballooning, inflationary consumer interest rates.  I thought this money was all coming from rich people except my friends, but now I find out that we’re also hitting up foreign countries for much of the loot. Now I hear that everything we borrow from places like China, will actually have to be paid back with interest and they’re saying the interest alone will be $850 billion per year.  That’s a lot of money, but at least it’s in billions, not trillions. I know millions of you in the private sector are being thrown out of work since my election, but there’s an upside to all this.  Since we’ve been spending taxes from private sector workers still employed and selling trillions in bonds to suckers in other countries, I’m proud to say that federal, state and local civil servants will all be employed, with raises, pension increases and lifelong medical coverage. I know that I’m blaming George Bush for everything and now I’ll show you why.  In my first year, I’ll be creating more debt for everyone than Bush did in his entire eight years as President.  Now, that’s getting things done quickly.  The Office of Management and Budget has projected next year’s budget will end up at $3.59 trillion, compared with the $3.55 trillion it estimated previously, so you might say that I’m devoted to increasing things like your debt, even while golfing, playing basketball and hosting fancy dinners for my friends.  George Bush never cared for you that much. But you private sector workers that are still employed have to make sacrifices for America because I can’t do it alone.  You retiring baby boomers collecting Social Security and Medicare can’t be selfish, just because you’ve paid into these systems for years.  We’ve got to drive down costs to pay for my newly hired Affirmative Action civil servants.  I know that in the interests of racial harmony and reparations, you won’t mind having your benefits cut.  That’s what being patriotic is all about. Heavily minority federal civil servants only make an average salary of $76,000.00.  And while they all just received a salary increase and that 70% of them routinely receive bonuses up to $25,000 annually, big state civil servants receive even more. Everyone whose had to deal with government employees knows how hard working, respectful and motivated they are.  If they weren’t, why would they get such high retirement benefits after only 20-25 years as well as lifelong medical coverage. So for those of you private sector workers who haven’t pawned their wallets yet, let’s all open them up and hand me whatever money you have left.  I’m in the process of hiring hundreds of thousands more civil servants for newly created make work jobs and they do have to be paid.  Now that’s ‘Change” we can believe in.” Text and Graphics Copyright: Michael G. Leventhal - BarackObamaWhitehouse.us Suicidal Teleprompter "I Just Can't Take His Crap Any More"