Barack Obama Eliminates Terrorism

Barack Obama White House Press Releases BarackObamaWhitehouse.us TERRORISTS APPROVE OF AIRPORT NUDIE SCANNERS 08 January 2010: Filled with Jihadi zeal and desert lust, the TSA reports that Islamist bombers from around the world have been applying to run the new x-ray airport scanners that leave little to the imagination. "Our dreams of viewing paradise have come true," said Mohammed Mohammed, terrorist in training, as he was interviewed by CNN in his Yemeni training camp. "All along, you Infidels thought that we just wanted to kill you, but you were wrong. True, we want you American Infidels dead, but we also prayed for seeing your women naked as a glimpse of our future paradise." After spending six hours leering at naked x-rays of women passing by the new airport scanners, Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano wiped the perspiration from her brow exclaiming, "I told you that Islamist bombers were just like us. They're young, male and live in sexually repressive societies. They just longed for the opportunity of getting a free peep show. So after careful re-evaluation of our attempts at stopping terroris... uhh, Man Made Disasters, President Obama and I have developed the perfect strategy. We're going to offer every bomber wannabee, a Job running the nudie screening airport machines. They will get good salaries, excellent federal benefits and an outlet for their youthful zeal. Our drone military aircraft have already replaced their bombs with those carrying leaflets offering TSA airport jobs to any Jihadi willing to replace their explosive belts with an airport screener job, no questions asked. You might call this the Hope and Change they can believe in." FIGHTING TERRORISM BY FREEING TERRORISTS 13 November 2009: “Declaring that he ‘knows there will be a satisfactory result,’ my trusted Attorney general Eric Holder has decided that Khalid Sheik Muhammad will be tried in New York Federal Court. For those of you that don’t remember, Mr. Muhammad, blessings be upon him, is alleged to be the mastermind of the World Trade Center terrorism that incinerated 3,000 Americans on September 11, 2001. But as you will soon discover, Mr. Muhammad is a devout co-religionist of mine and would never do something like this. We will learn that the the 911 terrorism was planned and carried out by George Bush, Cheney, the Jews and conservative Tea Baggers. All of this has really made the Muslim world angry at us. But I’ve figured out a way for them to realize that we are just like them, except for a Constitution that will soon be eliminated. (Click Photo at Right for Larger Image - Khalid Freed) By not having Khalid tried by a military tribunal and using federal court, all the evidence our evil intelligence services have gathered, including a full confession, will not be allowed in testimony. Not only that, but identities of our intelligence sources in places like Pakistan and Afghanistan will be made public. These are all traitors to Allah. They will be beheaded by the swords of Islamist purity so that they no longer consort with the CIA Infidels. When Khalid Sheik Muhammad is set free for lack of evidence, the Muslim world will rejoice. They may even make me an honorary Imam. I love honorary degrees. Khalid might even be able to sue the evil United States government and I can blame the money he gets for why the economy is still so bad. I’ve thought of everything. As Eric Holder discovered too late, I made it my business to be in Asia when he made the announcement. If this doesn’t work out, I’ll have a new George Bush to blame. But here’s my dream scenario: Contrary to what people believe, KSM is not suicidal. Like all radical leaders, he sends people to their death but doesn't die themselves. A spirited defence is waged, using a host of hard left New York attorneys who want to become famous. KSM is either found not guilty or there is a hung jury. KSM then asks for asylum on the grounds that he would be killed if returned to Pakistan. I grant this wish in the interests of Muslim conciliation and make him a U.S. citizen. KSM gets a 5 million dollar book and movie deal. He becomes a talk show host on MSNBC, replacing Keith Olberman. He wins a run for Congress in a heavily Muslim and liberal/progressive district. Nancy Pelosi takes one look at the bewhiskered murderer and falls in love. She divorces her husband, converts to Islam, puts on a Burka and becomes KSM's 14th wife. And together, they rule Congress, putting through a resolution to rename that body to ‘The Congressional Caliphate.’ I, The Obama, then issues an Executive Order, renaming the President ‘The Sheik of Arabie.’ “ OBAMA DESIGNATES SEPTEMBER 11TH DAY OF SLAUGHTER, “A DAY OF VOLUNTARISM” 27 August 2009: “Many of you didn’t understand what my wife Michelle meant when she said that Americans must change the way they think and must rewrite America’s history. Well, to any of you that still don’t believe I’m a Muslim and still think that I don’t hate America as we know it, here’s more mud in your eye. I’ve just signed an order designating the Islamist Murder of 3,000 innocents on September 11th 2001, an official day of "voluntarism." This is now a day of fun and sacrifice, where all you Infid... uh Christian American’s are to atone for your sins against Islam by devoting September 11th to subservience towards Muslims who have worked so hard to redeem your black Infidel souls by attempting to kill you. I’ve made a list of suggestions for this day of annual voluntarism. For example, you can find a Muslim and wash their feet. You can clean their prayer rugs or allow them to beat you. There are so many things you can do on this wondrous day. Most of you are unemployed anyway, so you won’t miss any work. And don’t forget to give any Muslim you meet, particularly one wearing an explosive belt, a big hello from The Obama.” BARACK OBAMA... RESETTLING GUANTANAMO DETAINEES IN PARADISE 13 June 2009: “My American subjects... I’ve figured out how to make you atone for your sins against the Muslim world and to show Muslims captured in terrorist training camps what a nice guy I really am. After slipping the Bermuda government some two hundred million dollars as a thank you present, they have agreed to accept four detainees as permanent guests. That’s only fifty million dollars of taxpayer money per terrorist trainee. Considering the trillions I’ve been throwing around lately, this is a pretty good deal. (Click Photos at Right for Larger Images) These four were captured at a terrorist training site in Tora Bora Afghanistan. They weren’t ‘real’ terrorists. They were just terrorists in training, so how bad could they be. Anyway, I’ve been told that they are all looking forward to spending the rest of their lives in this world famous vacation spot at the expense of the American taxpayer. To show you how appreciative they really are, I’ve been assured that they will be writing home, suggesting that the rewards for training to be an America hating terrorist are greater than ever imagined because they no longer have to die to enter paradise. All they have to do is get captured. After the requisite American taxpayer bribes to the South Pacific island of Palao, several more will spend the the rest of their lives sunning themselves and being surrounded by more brown eyed virgins than they could ever dream about. It really pays to hate America. You can even be elected President.” WHITE HOUSE PRESS RELEASE ON CIVILIZING OUR MILITARY 10 June 09: “As you all know by now, your President was a big hit in the Arab Muslim world when he told them how America was just as corrupt and rotten as they are and that they could build as many Atomic bombs as they want. On the home front, our glorious leader has decided that the people of America must atone for mistreatment of the radical Muslim terrorists... uhh criminals, who were captured on the battlefield or kept in Guantanimo for committing or planning acts of terrorism... uhh, criminality. The Obama knows what’s best for you. He’s a patriot. (Click Photo at Right for Larger Image) If you recall, 9/11 mastermind and mass murderer Khalid Sheikh Mohammad was captured on March 1, 2003. But he was ignored when he said, ‘I’ll talk to you guys after I get to New York and see my lawyer.’ Well, CIA Director George Tenet’s operatives didn’t listen to him and he was interrogated by the CIA without being told that he had the right to remain silent. Undoubtedly, this hurt his feelings, leaving him emotionally scarred for life. It may have been shown that subjecting Mohammad to interrogation allowed the CIA to secure information that broke the back of planned terrorism in America and saved thousands of lives, but that’s not the point. Just because Khalid Sheikh Mohammad wasn’t an American citizen and murdered thousands in the United States, that doesn’t give us the right to be rude. Because of this, our wise leader has ordered your new, progressive Justice Department to have FBI agents read Miranda rights to captured enemy combatants and terrorists... uhh criminals, including those held at U.S. facilities in Afghanistan. Philosophically speaking, are they really any worse than American citizens caught shoplifting? We didn’t want to tell you of this decision, but big mouthed Republican House Intelligence Committee member Mike Rogers just couldn’t keep quiet. We were thinking of waterboarding Rogers or removing his vocal cords, but were just too late. Our next step is to modify the rules of engagement, so that if one of our soldiers is fired upon, he can’t return fire without standing up, facing the enemy and reading them their Miranda rights. Such is your president’s compassion that it transcends concern for Americans. His empathy extends to the world, particularly to terrorists who want you dead, although he himself has a government bunker to protect him from nuclear and biological attack. That’s why he has chosen to discard a 200 year old American policy towards terrorists and military prisoners by giving them full legal rights of United States citizens. In the future, captured terrorists will be Mirandized with the words “You have a right to remain silent and a right to a lawyer…” no matter what the results are to the safety of America and its people. Making sacrifices to your safety creates love and laughter in the world. And just to show the Arab Muslim world that there are no hard feelings for killing thousands of Americans, President Obama has begun importing terrorists to the shores of America for trial in civilian courts, with full rights of American citizens. When they are released on the streets, he knows that you will welcome them into your communities and hearts, displaying what good sports Americans really are.” WHITE HOUSE PRESS RELEASE 22 April 09: With his teleprompters in the shop for repair, President Barack Hussein Obama bravely and publicly confronted his National Intelligence Director Admiral Dennis C. Blair. “Who is this guy and how did he get into my enlightened administration? When I selectively released Bush Administration documents authorizing the use of mild enhanced interrogation for terrorists, that was supposed to be the end of it. Now this Admiral claims information was censored and I omitted statements that these methods provided ‘high value information’ saving thousands of American lives.” “How can I silence opposition using threats of prosecution with people like this around? My Marxist buddies Dan Ortega of Nicaragua and Hugo Chavez of Venezuela don’t have these problems. How can I be the President of Change, when everyone won’t ‘yes’ me to death? Maybe we can introduce firing squads to my administration like my buddy Fidel. It’s quick, and nobody complains afterwards.” 25 March 09: “WAR ON TERROR” NO LONGER NECESSARY Terrorism is a disease similar to AIDS and Cancer. But it is a disease of the spirit due to misunderstanding that can be eliminated through communication, not reactive hostility. As such, we have taken a page from George Orwell’s book “1984.” If you will recall, the government was wisely revising its national dictionary, reducing the number of words in the language. In this way, people wouldn’t have the ability to communicate “anti-social” thoughts to others for combined actions. In an act of extreme intellect and inspiration, President Barack Hussein Obama has banned the use of words that might inflame others. The Term "War on Terror," no longer exists. It will be replaced by the phrase "Overseas Contingency Operation." Terrorists attacking the United States will hereafter be called "Overseas Contingency Operators." 18 March 09: “TERRORISM” ELIMINATED FROM THE DICTIONARY Obama proclaims ban on the word "Terrorism." What was formerly referred to as a “terrorist attack” will hereafter be called a "Man Made Disaster." No American need fear a terrorist attack ever again. Hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, blizzards, being mugged by an illegal alien, airplanes flown into buildings by religious fanatics and nukes set off in America’s cities by Islamists are just differing forms of “Overseas Contingency Operations,” motivated by accident, nature or misunderstandings. 13 Mar 09: ENEMY COMBATANTS ARE A THING OF THE PAST Our President has decided that there are no enemies that can’t be hugged into loving America. Because of this, the term “Enemy Combatant” no longer exists. There is no distinction between a Soldier, a burglar, a rapist or a Terrorist. Violence is a social crime and they shall hereafter be treated the same. All of these miscreants, no matter where they shall reside in any part of the world are entitled to full rights under the United States Constitution. Terrorists... uhh... “Overseas Contingency Operators” wearing explosive devices or attempting to take control of an aircraft for purposes of crashing it into a building in order to enter a virgin laden paradise, must be read their constitutional rights or set free to continue what they consider to be Allah’s work. Contact: Administrator@barackobamawhitehouse FULL PRESS RELEASES